i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
