addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
