i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
