Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
