he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
