You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
