I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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