Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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