i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
