Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
