This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Semen is not good for contacts.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Randomize
