I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I have aggressive nipples.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
