I feel like abortions should bother me more
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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