You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
