Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
