Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
