He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
