before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
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