my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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