dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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