I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Randomize
