mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
