yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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