there was a trapeze. enough said
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
