she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
