I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
