I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
