Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
