Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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