After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
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