Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
