This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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