Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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