if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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