My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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