True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
