My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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