Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You made out with two different species that night
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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