Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
