Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
