I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
