Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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