I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Randomize
