new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
