I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
