based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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