Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Is Oprah even human
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
