wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
