this beer tastes like vomit already
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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