did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
